Testimony

This morning in the Hello Mornings 1 John bible study, one of the questions talked about a testimony, and if we had shared ours. I have not shared my testimony with many people and thought I would today. 

I grew up in a household where God and Jesus was talked about daily, but I never really truly knew him for myself until recently. A few months ago I felt as if my world was collapsing. I was suffering from severe anxiety and depression. It was so bad that just getting out of the bed was a chore. I spent most of my time in my bed angry at the world, and depressed. Then in the mist of all this I found out that my boyfriend had cheated on me numerous time, and we ended up going through a messy breakup. This really broke my heart because he was the last person I thought would do this, and it turns out I did not really know him at all. It is true what they say, God will knock you down in order to get your attention. 

You would think that after all this I would have run to God and given him my life. I did run to him but I did not give him complete control. Instead I choose to still do my own thing and try to fix things my way. Needless to say it did not work, I continued to wrestle with God for control over my life, until it finally hit me that I can not do this alone. None of the progress I have made was because of myself, but rather through God. I am a totally different person than I was about 6 or 7 months ago. Anxiety and depression no longer rule my life, and I am learning  that the single life is a great time to get closer to God, and prepare to be a wife. The most important thing that I have learned from my journey is that walking with God is not a one day decision, but an everyday battle that we can only win by sticking with him. 

Master can you use….

When I was younger there was a song that said master can you use me. I used to wonder back then what could he use me for.  Here I am 33 years old and still wondering what could God possibly use me for. Little old sinful me? Here lately I have come to realize that there will never be a perfect time in my life, and that maybe God has been showing me all along what my purpose is.

You see I have been writing ever since I could remember.  I used to write in my journal, write short stories,  and I have several unfinished novels that I have started. I have always been unsure about my writing and usually just shared with my family and friends. But as I sit here thinking what if this is my purpose in life,  what if this is what I was put here for? How can I possibly help anyone if I am afraid to write, and afraid to share. Even with my blogging I have been afraid to write especially when I am struggling.

I have been wrestling with God for the longest. You see I have trouble letting go and completely trusting him. I’ll trust him for a little while and then I’ll go back and try to fix my own situation. It wasn’t until I heard one of my family members talking about me that I realized what I was actually doing. I had been doing so well and then money problems came along for a little while I left it in God’s hands, but then I took it back and tried to fix it my way. It’s amazing how it’s so easy to trust God when everything is going good, but the moment that one thing goes wrong we forget what all he bought us through and lean to our own understanding and plans.

I thank God for his grace and mercy for without it I don’t know where I would be. But because of it I can come and say Lord I messed up please forgive me. I am so glad that I don’t have to be perfect for God to use me, just willing!!!

Back

Good morning.  I know it has been awhile since I have written a post,  but some positive things have been happening. God has really been working in my life if you knew me six months ago you would be surprised at the changes I have made. I’m not saying I am perfect but I am definitely changed for the better.

One of the changes that has been made in my life is constantly being exposed to God’s word on a daily basis. About 2 months ago I joined a group called hellomornings.org to take part in a free bible study on Ruth. I must admit I had no expectations on doing this study, but God’s plan was different not only did I finish the study but I am not an accountability coach leading a group of ladies through a study.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that little old depressed,  anxious,   broken,  damaged, and lost me would have been here. I mean six months ago  getting out of bed without crying was a chore, but here I am up at 544 am ready to spend time with God and hopefully bless someone with my story and my struggles.
I pray that this helps someone and I hope you will check out hellomornings.org and join us as we study 1 John.

Till next time